happy right now.

Plans and aspirations serve their purpose, but constantly building narratives around a “what if” can drain your energy and take you away from the world you’ve already created.  Instead of putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to make drastic changes in your life (which can lead to excess stress, anger and frustration at any falter), stay present and focus on ways you can shift your immediate reality in order to turn any situation into a positive moment.    

I’ve written down a few ways that have helped me bring a little happiness and satisfaction into my day to day…and being that it’s so cold outside(at least up here) there’s no better time to turn your attention in.  Try them on, see how they fit and then tailor to your needs.  Most importantly, take care of yourself.    

Practice Smiling.  The next time you are alone in front of a mirror take a minute to say hello to yourself. Don’t fix your hair or shift into a more flattering light, just look at yourself and say hi, remember me? Bring to mind a time you felt bliss, in whatever form works for you…and then smile.  Just see what happens.  For me it took a round of tears, followed by hysterical laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation, but in the end I walked away with a smile on my face.  And it was worth it.

Pet a dog.  Therapy dogs exist for a reason and its called instant happiness. 

Educate yourself.  There are so many opportunities to learn and discover new ways of living and understanding the world.  Choose a topic that interests you and begin your research.  The Internet is overflowing with information on every subject you can imagine, and as of now is still a fairly open market to discuss and share ideas.  See where it takes you.  Maybe you’ll find a book that piques your interest, or a workshop in your area led by someone you admire.  If you hit a dead end, pick a new topic.   

Train your body.  Not in an “I need to lose weight and get a six pack by May” kind of way.  This goes back to education.  There is an amazing universe of mechanisms working inside of you.  Learn about them. Figure out what literally “makes you tick,” get familiar with the signals your brain sends on autopilot so you can intercept when necessary.  Stop neglecting your health.  It doesn’t matter if you are thin, muscular or obese, dead isn’t cute on anyone.  

Stop hurting yourself.  The past doesn’t exist anymore; forget about it.  Your brain possesses an amazing ability to edit and censor your life for you.  Learn how to use it in a way that brings you peace.  Let go of the memories that bring you pain.  Don’t bury them, set them free.

Forgive a friend.  We’ve all done something we wish we could take back.  Who hasn’t said the wrong thing, acted out in jealousy or been absent at some point in this big beautiful life?  Get over it.  It’s petty.  In the end you are left with a choice to love or be alone, and in that decision you make sacrifices.  You either compromise something about yourself or choose to keep moving…and then life goes on. 

Be you, all of the time.  Acknowledge what needs tweaking in your life and make a conscious effort to work on it, but don’t beat yourself up.  One of my favorite ladies has a quote on her arm that reads, “We are all somewhat damaged and in that realization we are beautiful.”  Accept that you are flawed, but focus on what makes you spectacular.  I promise it’s there.  

breathe freely(ish.)

I have trouble breathing.  Yes, I teach people how to breath for a living, but that does not mean it comes naturally to me.  There are a lot of reasons why, as most issues tend to have multiple causes, but regardless there it is… sometimes I inhale and the breath just gets stuck. 

I’m not sure if my breathing problems caused my anxiety or the other way around, they started around the same time and have been working in tandem ever since.  In addition to having broken my nose four times, I’ve been in more car accidents than I care to admit and like the average American I spend more time folded over onto my laptop than I do expanding my chest. 

Many moons ago, having suffered yet another totally irrational and completely unnecessary panic attack after taking my latest batch of anti-inflammatory medications, I forced myself to go to see yet another doctor.  I had reached a point where my anxiety was turning into agorophobia and even the grocery store would send me into a state of panic (why are there so many choices??).  I could basically schedule my own attacks and knew exactly which worried thoughts to expect.  Why I chose New York as my home, I still don’t know. 

That last visit to the doctor was different; a nurse whose name I only wish I could remember gave me a piece of advice that snapped me out of my anti-depressant, pain killer haze.  As she was taking my vitals, asking about my current symptoms and the medications I had been taking she did something that was somewhat shocking after years of five minute doctor visits and piles of prescriptions.  She listened.  She heard what I was dealing with and rather then speeding me along to the next room she gave me the most honest advice I had ever heard from a medical professional.  GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.  She suggested I try a more alternative approach and gave me the name of her acupuncturist. 

Now for me at the time this was a completely new concept, but I was willing to try anything.  I declined the new pill prescription and made an appointment with the acupuncturist instead.  She sat with me for half an hour and asked me questions that at the time seemed completely irrelevent, had me lay face down and placed needles and suction cups all down my spine.  At first I felt a little like a porcupine stuck in traffic, but after a few minutes I began to relax. The congestion slowly cleared and for the first time in years I felt no pain.  And I could breathe.   

Then came the tears. A flood gate of emotions opened up and I started to release a lifetime of fears and frustration, memories of tensing up in a crowd, and years of waking up at 4 am in a cold sweat unable to move or breath (sleep paralysis is very real and so so scary).  Eventually weeping turned into laughter, and I found myself floating in a euphoric fit of joy at the realization that living pain free is not some far fetched concept made up by the pharmeucital company.  It was bliss.

Of course the feeling faded, eventually my back started to ache and my heart retreated back into it’s armor, but the memory remained along with a new understanding of what everyone means by that whole mind-body connection thing.  I walked into that office to ease my physical pain, but left realizing how broken I was deep into my core.  Whiplash may have damaged my musculature, but my heart buried itself long before the first car crash.   

I know I have not yet completely shed the pains of my past and I am certainly not immune to heartache, fear or resentment.  My body requires constant maintainance to keep the aches away, but at least I know now how to ease it without destroying my liver in the process.  Acupuncture removed that first layer, yoga has strengthened my body over the years and meditation has helped hush the anxious, self defeating thoughts.  While my breath still gets short from time to time, it rarely keeps me up at night and if it does I have a few tricks to lull me to sleep. 

The next time you feel unsettled or have trouble sleeping try this little technique: Inhale through the left nostril, exhale through the right.  Reverse and Repeat. It’s that simple.  Yogis call it Alternate Nostril Breathing, I call it instant anxiety relief. 

I caught feelings.

I live in a small home, but when you walk into the room you can instantly feel the warmth and love.  I own very little, but each thing serves it’s purpose and delights my senses.  My friends are few, but they are each perfect in their own special way.  They have their flaws;  I have so many of my own, but each day we get stronger and closer to being honest and authentic with ourselves, with each other, and towards the rest of the world.  

In the midst of the holiday parties, shopping sprees and delayed red eyes take a few moments to stop, look around and take in your universe.  Close your eyes, quiet your mind and remember what and whom you are running around for.  It may sound crazy to hit pause when there is so much to do, but it’s pretty hard to stay connected to the earth if your feet are always in motion.  Be still, breathe deeply and find the beauty in your own life.  

Happy Holidays. Give someone a hug today.       

mary mary quite contrary.

Does anyone else think Springtime is magical? Despite the daily rain that’s been showering down over the past week, I can’t help but be completely amazed by all of the life that is popping out of the sidewalk cracks.  It’s like I went to sleep on a dark grey winter night and woke up one morning to a lively city sprinkled with beautiful greens, pinks, purples and yellows. I don’t really understand how all the little flowers manage to survive the herds of stomping feet, but year after year they come back stronger than ever.  It always reminds me that even though all I can see is concrete for miles, there is a world of lively dirt that is trapped underneath begging to be released so it can thrive again.  

As I’ve gotten deeper into my yoga studies, I’ve found myself going down a path of learning that has spread into natural medicines and the use of herbs.  So, naturally with my enthusiasm for all things alive and healthy, I decided this would be the year I plant my own herb garden. I ran to the local garden market and bought myself a collection of rosemary, basil, cilantro, sage, cat nip and aloe vera…some for their medicinal benefits, a few because they taste delicious.  It’s all so very exciting, I’m like an indoor Persephone filling my window ledge with an abundance of new life and even though my past attempts at indoor gardening has left me with, well..a lot of dead plants, I’m hopeful that this year will be different. (It’s much easier to be confident when you have the support of a handsome housemate with a natural ability to care for tiny delicate things)  

Now getting to the point…these are the lessons I have learned in the past few days from my darling new plants:

1.  While the southern grandma in me instinctually wants to feed feed feed, constantly showering your plants with water will actually just drown them and cause their roots to rot.  

2.  Plants need room to grow.  For the first day or so I kept my herbs in their original containers and in addition to becoming water logged, they also seemed sad that the only place they could go was up.  They were unstable and began to wilt and lean. 

3.  Healthy plants need a healthy home of nutrient filled soil. While water is necessary and wonderful, hydration alone is not enough and can actually wash away some of the dirty wonderfulness that nature provides.

4.  You have to touch your plants..stick your hands in their dirt…let them know you know they are there, especially if you are growing plants indoors away from their natural environment.  This may sound silly, but just like humans, the sense of touch is an important way to connect to other’s energy.  Its how we feel and understand the levels of liveliness whoever or whatever is in front of us is working with at any given time.  

I may be stating a lot of obvious facts, especially for anyone who has even the slightest bit more experience in a garden than I do, but the truly amazing realization for me was how much the needs of these little baby herbs are similar to my own, and when nourished how they react in a way that is so very human. Once replanted in a space where they could spread out, the plants suddenly began to pick themselves up again. They were no longer drowning and chocking in their own soggy jumbled roots.  Within minutes they seemed happy and alive again.  

Just like my little plants, we need space to spread our roots, to feel grounded and connected to the earth and in doing so we find the necessary stability to spread our energy out and up like beautiful flowers turning to face the sun.  When one of those elements is missing, we become weak.  When we lose the security of our foundation we begin to float away, and without the space to spread out our energy implodes.

After my friend Nick, an extremely talented home beautification specialist, took over my apartment and turned it into a masterpiece of color and texture, I was left with one little issue.  Some call it a rug, I see it as the reason I’m doing yoga in the hallway.  Wall to wall seagrass is lovely, but not exactly the most stable foundation for my yoga practice. Luckily, my little hallway is the exact size of my jumbo yoga mat, so at first it seemed like an easily solution.  What I’ve noticed, however, is that being surrounded by walls has diminished my ability to expand my energy and leaves me unbalanced.  I end up with this weird, stuck feeling because all of the energy I’m building up has no place to go accept to bounce off the plaster walls and smack me in the face.  It’s disorienting and stifling.  

Here’s your homework:

Try tree pose.  It’s one of the more basic standing balances in yoga, but a powerful one nonetheless.  Find a space where you have room to grow and then plant down into your standing leg. Establish your root stability first and then begin to spread out.  Lift your arms, reach through your hands, take up as much space as you possibly can.  See how it feels to do this pose outside, plant your bare foot into the earth, receive strength from the ground and then shoot your energy out of your fingertips.  As you hold this pose, pay attention to what, if anything, makes you feel unstable.  Is it hard to feel grounded?  Does lifting your arms make you fearful or nervous?  Do you have any odd feelings about taking up too much space or does it make you feel alive and powerful?

Notice if the way you approach this posture has any correlation to your daily behaviors. Is there anything in your life that constricts your growth?  Do you tend to make your presence smaller out of fear of branching out?  Are you stuck in old habits or do you feel like you might float away if strong wind hits you because you’ve never established a home for yourself?  

where is my mind?

A few months ago, my friend Elizabeth passed along one of her building’s basement “gift shop” finds (aka other people’s trash). One Bowl is a book about learning to eat in a way that truly nourishes your body and soul.  To be completely honest, I never actually finished it. Like a good percent of the other books on my shelves I decided about half way through I knew the ending and swapped it out for another one. That’s an issue for another day.  

Regardless, even partially read, the book got my wheels turning about how I approach my meals.  I am a social eater, a multi-tasker with a wandering mind, and I fluctuate between light healthy nibbles and troughs of comfort food, usually of the Mexican(ish) variety.  While I am pretty self aware and usually pick up on the more obvious effects of the food I eat,  I sometimes forget that there are other reasons to eat beyond the pleasures of taste.  

So, tonight, when I sat down to my freshly prepared, somewhat odd amalgamation of the remnants in my fridge, I decided to turn off all distractions and focus on what I was eating, the process of eating it, and how the food was affecting me.  Okay, so in real time I sat down, did a quick Netflix search, checked my phone and email and scrolled through my playlists, but, eventually I managed to turn the noise off and pay attention.

Once the sounds in the room began to fade into the distance I started to notice little things happening in my body as I ate. At first I felt new energy, the green vegetables on my plate were picking me up. Then, as I continued I noticed my breathing felt constricted.  It was a little difficult to swallow.  I had barely made a dint in my food, but it felt like I’d downed a gallon of ice cream. When I noticed the congestion moving up into my sinuses it occurred to me that it might be the pasta.  Now, I realize it’s not breaking news that pasta isn’t the world’s healthiest food; that’s not the point.  Even as I was eating, I became immediately aware of the subtle signals that my body wasn’t happy with my choice of sustenance. Listening that closely, I was able to catch the moment when my breath became shorter so that later tonight I won’t be struggling to move air through my foggy head without the faintest clue why.  

It was a pretty awesome realization for me that I am more than just a jumble of anxious thoughts swirling around above of an oddly familiar mass that sometimes hurt, occasionally felt pleasure, but mostly just was. The connection has always been there, but for whatever reason, stress, diet, inactivity or over achievement, we get distracted and forget to put in the time. The mind’s relationship to its body becomes comparable to that of two people who used to be “soul mates” but now just share awkward updates in passing. 

Try eating alone in a quiet room.  Prepare (or order) one of your staples, and sit in silence while you eat.  Don’t watch tv or read, turn off the music and eat slowly. Meditate on your meal. Take small bites and pay attention to the changes in your body as you feed yourself.  How does it taste?  What is the sensation on your tongue?  Can you notice any shifts in your energy levels? Does it trigger any emotional reaction? Are you reminded of anything?  Take a breath after you swallow.  How does your chest and stomach feel? Pay attention.  

I often use this form of meditation in my teaching and personal yoga practice, as well. When you put your body into a new position, give yourself time to scan through and notice what you are actually doing.  I love to flow in and out of postures, like any other airy drifter, but I find its when I stay still that I learn the most.  See how it feels to hold a little longer, bringing awareness to all that is happening within your body.  Be inquisitive.  What affect is the pose having on your physical body?  Where do you feel tension? Release?  What is holding this pose doing to your emotions and energy?  Do you feel anxious? Afraid? At Peace?  Take a deep breath(or three) and then begin to make small shifts, move slowly and allow for total awareness of how every movement from hairline to toe nail affects the rest of your being.  

show your scars.

I spent a lot of years believing that if someone witnessed me in a moment of weakness, they would no longer respect or trust me, and I would be left standing alone, embarrassed and ashamed. Unfortunately we live in a somewhat plastic society fueled largely by aggressive competition, so naturally the idea of revealing to the rest of the world that you do in fact have flaws can be paralyzing.  But, maintaining that standard of achievement can be completely exhausting, both from the physical effort exerted and because at some point in the quest for perfection you completely lose sight of your own humanity.  

At some point along the path of my own personal emotional downward spiral I somehow caught myself, or rather allowed myself to be caught and I began to let go of this idea that I am only worth my abilities, that the scars of my past, the wounds that I have inflicted on myself and the pains that I have endured because of others make me somehow undeserving of love or attention.  The truth is, however, that it is these experiences that most often connect me to the people that I meet.  My flaws are part of who I am.  My vulnerability allows me to be approachable.  My scars make me relatable. 

I consider myself very fortunate to be loved in addition to possessing the capacity to love others. Most of my conflicts in life have been internal, however, and I am extremely stubborn. Finding the ability to accept my flaws without judgement, to allow myself to love and be loved by me takes a little more effort, but without doing so I completely lose my ability to connect to others.

So, take a deep breath.  Close your eyes and take a few moments to sit with yourself, to come face to face with whatever you are afraid to show the world and just accept that its there.  Don’t make excuses or beat yourself up, just be okay with what you are working with in your life at this very moment.  Be kind to yourself.  Then, if you are feeling brave, share it with someone.